Every Me and Every You
by Earwax
Summary: AU season four. Angelus is in the cage and Spike comes to town for a visit.


**Author's Notes:** AU set in season four when Angelus was in the cage. Some of the dialogue was taken from 'Darla' and 'Destiny'. I tried to keep the characters, well, in character. Sorry if they seem a little off. I write what's in my head and this is how I pictured it. Reviews are always welcomed.

**Every Me and Every You**

**(An Angel Fic)**

He could smell the soul even before the younger vampire had reached the bottom of the stairs. Even if he hadn't smelled it, he would have felt the guilt, the pain. It was laced in every step Spike took. Angelus couldn't help but wonder what had happened to his boy to make him like this. He knew, of course, about the Slayer whore. She had destroyed Spike just as surely as she had destroyed Angel. Why? Why William? All of that work, all of that training, thrown away for a goddamn skirt. His boy, his Childe, this shell standing before him, could they really be the same person? The same vampire whose eyes had blazed so brightly now looked haggard. His eyes so dull that it disgusted Angelus to look at him. But he felt compelled to. Compelled to stare into those dead eyes and look at that worn face and wonder why.

Silently, he watched Spike walk past him and unplug the security camera.

"I don't want anyone watching this."

Was that Spike's voice? It had no vigor, no passion. It was as dead as the rest of him. At that moment Angelus hated Buffy so much more than he ever hated her in Sunnydale. He hated Spike, too. Hated him for getting a wretched soul, for choosing to be cursed by the thing that had haunted Angelus for over a century.

"I was hoping to talk to Angel," the voice continued, "but it looks like I chose the wrong week to pop in for a visit."

He was nervous. Angelus could tell. Trying to crack a joke, all the while unable to keep his fingers from moving. He was going to start smoking soon.

"About that shiny soul of yours, no doubt."

The younger vampire flinched before shrugging his shoulders. "Among other things."

She had wrecked him. Made him forget who, what, he was. His boy needed to be taught a lesson. A lesson the Slayer bitch obviously hadn't been teaching him. Angelus smiled. This was going to be fun.

"I'm sure we can find things to chat about."

"Not sure I want to."

"You're the one who came down here."

"Well, I couldn't stay up there. Your minions are all tense and the kid looks like he wants to rip my eyes out. I figured you got to them."

"They came down." Angelus spread his arms out in a gesture of charity. "We talked a bit. I told the truth, they didn't want to hear it."

"They're at each others' throats."

"I know."

"Well, I suppose you gotta amuse yourself somehow. What with being trapped in the cage an' all."

Spike couldn't quite hide his smirk.

"I'll get out. Eventually."

"I don't doubt it."

The smirk was still there. His boy never did show the proper respect to his Sire. Angelus would never be able to break him. He found he didn't want to. He liked his boy whole. It made him more of an equal than a Childe and Darla had constantly chided him for spoiling the boy, but Angelus didn't care. He was Spike's Sire and he could raise him any way he chose. Angelus had thought he'd raised Spike to be better than what he was now. Better than a Slayer's dildo. Perhaps Darla had been right, Angelus should have beaten him more.

"I have some things I want to say to you, m'boy."

"I'm not your boy, Angelus."

Spike was beautiful when he was angry. His face was flushed and his eyes reflected something besides pain. For a moment Angelus could almost pretend that his real boy was standing before him, not the Slayer's used toy.

"Are you someone else's then?" Angelus asked easily.

Spike gritted his teeth together. "I'm nobody's boy."

"Not too sure about that." Angelus was careful not to mention Buffy's name. There would be time for the Slayer later, but right now he felt it was best to start at the beginning. "You're my boy."

"You're not my Sire."

"I'm not? You've called me that so many times over the years, perhaps I've just been mishearing you?"

"Dru made me, not you."

"Oh, you wanna talk about Drusilla now?"

Angel had spent years trying to block out that name, but now that he was gone Angelus had being thinking more and more about her. Whole decades of memory that Angel had tried to erase were returning full force. Memories of split blood, of torture, of family. They were supposed to be together for eternity. Apparently, eternity was a lot shorter than it used to be. What had happened to them? Angelus blamed that damned gypsy.

"No."

Spike now had his fists balled together. He wanted to hit something. Pity about the cage. Had it not been there, Angelus might have let Spike get a sucker punch in before reminding his boy who was in control, who was really the master here.

"Why did you kill her?"

"What?"

Spike looked, and sounded, shocked by the suggestion. Did his boy truly have no idea what Angelus was talking about? He couldn't be that big of an idiot, could he? Then again, it was Spike.

"I didn't kill her, Angelus."

"Then where is she? Why didn't she come back for Darla?"

"What are you talking about?" He sounded genuinely frustrated. Almost scared. No matter what he felt for the Slayer he could never forget Drusilla, never forget what she was to him. He hadn't wanted her dead, but he should have thought about that before.

He knew Spike was talking, but Angelus scarcely heard him. His mind was racing with old memories. Suppressed questions, suppressed answers. Thoughts Angel had spent seconds on were now encircling Angelus's entire consciousness.

"Two years ago, Darla came back for me, but without Drusilla. I thought she was with you until I found out you were still in Sunnydale. There was no other place she could be except in an ashtray."

"No... "

"Don't you see? Dru wouldn't have missed this. Do you think those stars of hers would have denied her our sorry fates? Maybe that's why she killed herself - "

"Shut your gob, Angelus!"

He didn't want to hear anymore. Didn't want to face the possibility that she was gone. But he had made his choice. Surely he couldn't have been that upset. Wait! Of course he could. This was Spike: emotionally charged idiot who always had to define himself by a woman. He had defined himself by Drusilla for so long, she was a part of him. So much more a part of him than the Slayer bitch.

"What? Now you care? You were all set to stake her back in Sunnydale."

"You staked Darla."

"That was Angel."

"Now you refer to yourself as two different people? You going schizo on me?"

Spike was trying to annoy him. He usually was quite good at it, but not tonight. No, tonight Angelus ignored him. "See, I never would have staked Darla. And, the weird thing was, I never claimed to love her. Not like you. How many hours did you spend telling Dru how much you loved her insides? I remember how, in the early days, you would write her poetry claiming you would love her forever. What did you call her? Your destiny?"

Spike's hands were fidgeting again. He reached into his leather duster and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "You sound almost jealous."

"Of you?" Angelus licked his lips suggestively. "Or Drusilla?"

"Poof."

"Now, now, there's no need for name calling. Decades of that, no wonder Dru was so crushed when you chose the Slayer over her."

"Hey, she left me first! Remember the chaos demon?"

"Is that what this is about? Her having kinky sex with someone who wasn't you? My boy, my stupid, stupid boy!"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Vampires aren't monogamous! I told you that your first year as a Fledge. Whatever trysts she had that's all they were: trysts, recreation. It always came back to you. You were her mate. She chose you, chose you to be her ridiculous knight for all eternity."

"That doesn't mean anything. I could have been replaced as easily as one of her dolls."

"She returned to you, didn't she? She would have taken you back. Even with the chip and your obsession with the Slayer, she still wanted you back. But you rejected her. She couldn't take it. Couldn't take being alone."

"You're so full of it, Angelus!" Spike exploded, his anger replacing whatever doubt that had been creeping in to his mind. "You have no right to act like the concerned Sire now. You never gave a damn about her!"

" I never would have abandoned her. I never would have let her kill herself."

"No, of course not," Spike said bitterly, dropping his cigarette to the ground. "You needed her to be a reminder. She was your greatest creation, wasn't she?"

Angelus grinned. "Eternal torment. That's what she was, but I underestimated her. Underestimated her intelligence, her hatred for Darla, her hatred for me."

"Her hatred for you? She loved you to bits. Loved you more than me. And, Darla? Darla was Grandmother. You know Dru loved her, turned her didn't she?"

Angelus looked at Spike strangely. Nearly twelve decades and that was what he thought? No question about it, Spike really was an idiot. Then again, he had always known his boy was a little dim. "You're wrong."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Shove it, Angelus!"

"She loved Darla and me, but she hated us with the same intensity. Don't you get it? She hated us for damning her, but she loved us for it, too. You were the only one who never hurt her. She couldn't hate you. Not even after Slayer. Not even after you beat me with that crowbar. She loved you so much, it killed her."

"Stop it!"

But he couldn't stop. These words had been bubbling up inside of him for years and he had to finally speak them.

Angelus began pacing up and down the length of his cage. His manner was not cool and collected as it should have been, but almost frenzied. "Dru was looking at Angel when she turned Darla, looking directly at him. She knew what she was doing. Knew she was hurting him, knew she was killing him. She said she did it for Darla, to save her. She did it to hurt us." Angelus stopped moving. He turned to Spike and stared at him with wide eyes. "I could be your mummy."

"Um, Angelus, still with me, mate?"

"Dru said that just before she found you. She mentioned being lonely. I told her she could make herself a mate. She turned you before I could change my mind. She planned this. I thought she turned you on the spur of the moment, but she didn't. She could have been planning for you for years. Could've chosen you before your balls had even dropped."

"What are you talking about?" Spike demanded. This was a game, had to be. Spike didn't feel like playing. Not again. Never again.

"Did she know? She knew about Darla, knew that she'd vamp her one day. Knew that her grandmother would become her daughter. Maybe she knew even back then that she'd kill herself. Or maybe she didn't. She was always lousy at interpreting her own visions. We always had to do it for her."

"Dammit, Angelus!"

He really didn't want to talk about Drusilla. Angelus could tell. He didn't want to understand, didn't want to finally see what he had done. Not when it was so much easier to blame Angelus.

Spike was breathing heavily. Angelus only knew he did that when he was really angry. Good, maybe now he would think about something else besides getting into the Slayer's pants.

"What's the matter, Will? Don't like hearing the truth?"

"It's Spike," he tried to say calmly. "Hasn't been Will for a long time."

"I never liked Spike."

"No, Angelus, you never liked William. If I recall correctly, you were the one who told me to change it."

"Yeah, but not to Spike. That name makes me think of a dog. Or a bitch. More bitch than dog after reflecting on your years in Sunnydale. Tell me, _Spike_, was the Slayer a good lay? Angel only had her once and that was just to break her in - "

"Don't you dare talk about her!"

And they were back to angry. It had always baffled Angelus that Spike could never talkrationally about anything for any extended length of time. In that respect he was like a spoiled child. Wait, like? Scratch that, he _was _a spoiled child.

"I was under the impression we were done with Drusilla. It's only natural to move on to the next hole."

"That's it, I'm leaving!"

He had tantrums, too. Lots and lots of tantrums.

Spike actually went toward the stairs, but Angelus knew he wouldn't leave. Not until they were done.

"Have I hurt your feelings, Will?" Angelus called after him. "Come back and tell Daddy what he did wrong."

Spike turned around. He knew his boy would. Angelus knew just what to say to make Spike stay. Even with that Goddamn soul, he was terribly predictable.

"You're not my father, you sick ponce!"

"With all your oedipal issues I thought you wouldn't mind the title, son."

"You're sick! That's what you are!"

"Now, now, what did I say about name-calling? You've always needed me, Will. Even now, crawling in here like a whipped pup looking for a Sire's comfort."

Those words had a negative effect on Spike. His boy had never appreciated the Sire-Childe bond. He'd spent years trying to ignore it. He could proudly declare himself to be love's bitch, but he would fervently deny ever craving his own Sire's affections. Angelus had always found that odd.

"I don't need you!" Spike exclaimed. "I lasted a hundred years without you!"

"I still have no idea how you survived."

"I killed two Slayers!"

"And you're wearing the coat of one. If that's not a desperate cry for attention, I don't know what is."

"Still dead, aren't they?"

"Not Buffy."

"Don't say her name! You haven't the right."

Now he was sounding defensive. Why wouldn't he? He had betrayed his own kind to love her. It was actions like that that made Angelus ashamed that Dru had made the boy.

"To sweet to die, wasn't she? All innocent and blonde. Bottled, of course. But you have that in common. Does it hurt? Does it hurt to know that whatever you do it'll never be enough? She'll never love you. She can't, see, because you're not Angel. Though, I gotta tell you, Spike, from this angle, I can hardly tell the difference. You're all ensouled and pussy-whipped. It's pathetic! So much like him. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you must worship Angel."

"I'm not like him!" Spike took a deep, unneeded breath. "You," he amended. "I'm not like you."

"Of course you are. You're just like the both of us."

"This isn't you. The Angelus I knew wasn't like this. You bleeding insane!"

Denial. His boy was always big on denial.

"Are you sure? Maybe this is me without Darla scratching up my back."

"I think it was the soul that did it. Nearly a hundred and five years of watching that Boy Scout being in control, helping people, drinking animal blood, undoing everything that you worked so hard to be."

"Careful, William," Angelus growled, "you're dangerously close to describing yourself."

"No, I'm better than that. I chose this. I fought for my soul."

And lies. Spike loved to tell self-serving lies.

"You think you're better than me? Just because Dru wasn't effluent enough and you screwed a Slayer in more positions than a porn star you're better than me?"

Spike glared at him. "I am what you made me."

"And what is that?"

"A monster."

Angelus laughed. "I just let the real you out."

"You never knew the real me; too busy trying to see your own reflection."

Angelus knew he shouldn't be laughing at this. Spike might decide to leave again and Angelus wouldn't be able to call him back. But this was just so funny! He had to believe that it was soul that was making him say these things, because if it wasn't Angelus would be seriously disappointed. He might even begin to regret not staking Will after that incident in the mineshaft.

"Are you serious? Everything you've done is somehow my fault? What about the century when I wasn't around? Are you telling me that my influence was so great that you've been doing naughty things for nearly a century because of a memory? Or maybe it was Dru who was doing the influencing? God, Spike, you really are an idiot. You became a monster because you wanted to become one. You mentioned earlier that I asked you to change your name. Well, I never asked you to start talking like a Cockney and begin acting like some reckless gutter trash!"

"Gutter trash, Angelus? Why don't you try moving into the twentieth century?"

"Face it, _Spike, _you hated being human as much as you love being a vampire. You spent your entire life under your mother's thumb, living so straight you were practically suffocating. You hated being that quiet, Victorian gentleman who spent days and nights writing poetry no one wanted to read. Dru did you a favor when she sunk her teeth into your neck. When you were turned, you were freed. Freed from all the rules, all the restrictions. You could do whatever you wanted, be whomever you pleased. You hated being human so much that you changed your entire personality just to forget what it was like. Admit it, Will, you liked who you became. Loved being Spike, loved how Dru said your name, always adding the 'o'. Spoike! Spoike!"

Spike recoiled, the verbal blow striking home. Angelus had touched another nerve, perhaps the most sensitive one. Good, they were making progress.

"Maybe you're right, Angelus. Maybe I did like who I became, but I'm not like that anymore. I'm better than that. I'm better than some monkey in a cage."

His boy was still defiant. Angelus wouldn't have it any other way. He pointed to the bars surrounding him. "You think this is a cage. No, m'boy, the only cage is Angel. I almost broke free of him when Darla and Dru came to town. I was almost in control. For a brief moment, Angel could feel me, really feel me. He wanted me. Wanted to become me. Wanted to lose that damn soul and go back to Darla. Wanted to find Dru and tear you away from the Slayer's underwear and go back to the way things were so many years ago. I was so close. So very close! Then Angel had his damn epiphany and decided he didn't need me after all."

"Mate, I hate to break it to you, but Angel's not your do-gooder Boy Scout twin, he's you plus a soul. You're the same person."

Spike was sounding cheeky again. It nettled Angelus that his boy had the audacity to act superior just because he wasn't in a cage. "Yes, but there's a difference between the demon and the man."

"You really are insane. You're not Angelus. You weren't Angelus in Sunnydale and you're not him now."

"Are you saying this because I teased you about being impotent when you were in the wheelchair?"

"No." Spike's blue eyes were blazing with fury, so much more preferable to pain. The boy still hadn't forgotten about that. Perhaps Angelus should have been a little more sympathetic to his Childe's plight, but he hadn't been and Spike had beaten him with a crowbar. He was still angry about that. And kind of proud. Which was weird.

"It's not because I screwed Drusilla in front of you, is it? You know I only did that to piss you off. That and to prove who was the alpha in this relationship." He pointed to himself - "Me, alpha" - and then to Spike - "You, beta."

"You're a right bastard, Angelus."

"It's taken you this long to figure that out? Nice to see all those years of schooling were good for something."

Spike looked like he was going to say something particularly nasty, but restrained himself. "Ya know, Angelus, you're not even worth it." Without so much as a goodbye Spike again retreated toward the stairs.

"What, leaving already?" Angelus wasn't going to say he was disappointed, but he was. He would never admit it, but he missed Spike. Back in the day, they had been close. Not the best of friends, but they had tolerated each other. Out of all the Childer Angelus had sired, Spike had been his Most Favored. But that was before the souls, and the gypsies, and the goodness that had infested them until they were both damaged beyond repair.

"I gotta get back to Sunny Hell. There's an apocalypse going on. They'll need me."

"You'll die there." That thought upset Angelus more than he cared to admit. He was getting nostalgic. That was it. Nostalgia.

Spike was halfway up the stairs before he turned around. "Maybe," he said, "but there are things worth dying for."

"No, there aren't."

"Yeah, you'd say that. Ya know, mate, talking to you has helped me realize something. Maybe there is no Angelus anymore. Maybe that soul really did do a number on you. I mean, you're not him, you're just a loon, so maybe he's gone for good. Maybe there's only Angel."

"If there's no Angelus then there's Spike either," the older vampire countered. "There is only William."

Another step. Spike was almost to the top of the stairs. "I can live with that."

And, just like that, his boy was gone. Angelus was alone again.

Smirking, he began to sing.

"If you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise..."


End file.
